Friday, May 15, 2015

White Hot & Red Faces

A few months ago, during the longest winter in recent memory (which in my case is just a few months ago) my body clock decided to ramp up the hot flashes. On one hand, nothing wrong with a little extra heat during a record-cold winter. On the other hand, we had recently changed over our oil heat to gas and added insulation throughout the house, so extra heat was not terribly welcome. The flashes were too hot and too frequent. If I had been able to turn them into a super power and melt the five feet of snow in our driveway, I might have been a little friendlier to the ever-present volcanic blasts. But, no. Hot flashes do not melt snow. They do not burn calories. They only make the sufferer look as if she has just emerged from an overly long session in the sauna and that’s never a pretty look.

So, how to manage these gusts of fiery heat?  Drink wine, of course. (When isn’t that a good idea?) None other than the New York Times itself reported that, “One drink a day in women who are not at risk for alcohol abuse may be beneficial for the heart. Red wine in particular contains a substance called resveratrol, which is classified as a phytoestrogen and has estrogen-like effects.”

Wine is like estrogen. I’m not going to argue with the New York Times.

Although the recommended lifestyle changes are to “Avoid hot flash triggers like spicy foods, hot beverages, caffeine, and alcohol,” this clearly paves the way for wine as a hot-flash solution, as I am pretty sure alcohol refers to bourbon and tequila. Probably not vodka; vodka is a vegetable.

So, after months of research, I am here to help. The following is a selection of Wine Pairings to help with as many instances of menopausal tribulations as possible. I figured two for each category, because, let’s be honest--we’re not really worried about bouquet and tannins right now, are we? Please know, that in the interest of science, I will continue my research as long as necessary. Anything for womanhood.

White Hot & Red Faces: A Guide to Menopausal Wine Pairings

Let’s start with the obvious:
Hot Flashes
·      Hot to Trot Red Blend - I couldn’t resist this one: Why? The name. Also, it is a blend of Merlot, Syrah and Cabernet Sauvignon and other red varieties and I figure the more resveratrol-bearing red skins, the merrier.
·      Neige Apple Ice Wine - It has ice in the name (and the method). What could be bad about that? Also, it has apples in it, so you get a little more fruit, too.

·      The Prisoner Wine Company Prisoner 2013- Obvious, right? You feel like a prisoner in your own skin, don’t you? Have a glass of’ll feel better. Maybe wear stripes, too.
·      Rhiannon Red 2013 - Put on some Fleetwood Mac and take yourself back to a time when life was simpler (and by simpler I mean not so many annoying people around).
·      Flip Flop wines - (You didn’t really think I’d forget this one, did you?)  I paired Flip Flop wines with Forgetfulness for the helpful alliteration...Flip Flops For Forgetfulness.  Also, if you forget your favorite wine, there are many to choose from: A reliable Chardonnay, a friendly Cab Sav and a Pink Moscato for when you’re feeling frisky. Alliteration galore!
·      Bogle Essential Red - Because it’s essential, you might remember it.

Weight Gain
·      Cupcake Vineyards Riesling- you really have to go with a white wine for its lower calorie count, so choose this one. You get your wine and a cupcake all in one.
·      Champagne - your choice. Champagne has fewer calories than most reds or whites and you might as well celebrate the fact that you haven’t hit anyone over the head with a wine bottle yet.

Loss of Libido
·      Opici - Or anything that comes in a 1.5 liter bottle or box. Make sure you and your spouse or partner drink most of it and you’ll both fall asleep and forget about having sex.

General fatigue
·      The Chook Sparkling Shiraz - it’s sparkling and it’s red...doubly good for you, right? Bubbles are so good for cheering you up.
·      Mulderbosch Rose 2014 or Casal Garcia Vinho Verde Rosé  - Both of these are good choices to perk you up a bit. The Vinho Verde is slightly effervescent and I added this one because it’s good and I like to use the word effervescent.

Good luck, ladies. You’re welcome.